I won’t share in too much detail here, but the comment I received and the advice I have been getting has led me to want a deeper reliance upon God. The comment was that there was a deep vulnerability in me that wasn’t being addressed. The advice was that I should step back, not follow others, not listen to too much information from others or the media, listen to my body, don’t fight it, and become more deeply rooted. After thinking on this quite a bit, I realize that it is true. The undercurrent in my life has been thin, anxious. The panic attack I had last week was something of a safety valve releasing…something to alert me to the undercurrent already there. It was suggested to me that I never fully reconnected with my body after my first panic attack back when grandma died in March. And now that Zach is applying to jobs and I seem to be readying myself for another turn of events, it seems I am reacting to all that is in my mind. I want to be more firmly and deeply rooted. I have learned to not pay attention to things that are too serious, that require too much true feeling, because it hurts sometimes, and I’d rather not risk my good feeling, no matter how thin it is. But this is an important skill for me to learn, because I won’t always be rooted or safe in a particular place, in myself, or in my body either. But I can be rooted in Christ. All throughout scripture and even down to the act of Christ’s sacrifice, body and soul are connected. Christ didn’t just die and resurrect in his spirit, but in body. That is a very important factor in our faith. So I do not have to separate the healing of my own body and my own spirit. I will heal spiritually and my body will heal, too. These anxieties are because I am doing everything myself. I like control. I like knowing. Trusting is not easy for me…from dealing with students who have not put in practice effort, swimming through the media’s list of do’s and don’ts in order to ward off the next health risk, to depending on my family. I have somehow managed to trust myself for a lot. So, in my process of healing and learning to trust, relax, and listen, I have found some verses that deal with these things. Of course, my main motivation was not spiritual…I want my body to just act right. But I know every part of me is connected – body, mind, soul. And the my connection to God became highlighted the moment I heard “there’s a deeper vulnerability in you.” It’s true. I am more vulnerable and unsafe if I am not trusting in and depending on God to sustain me. That’s what I have been experiencing for who knows how long this time.
1How blessed is the man who (A)does not walk in the (B)counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the (C)path of sinners,
Nor (D)sit in the seat of scoffers!
2But his (E)delight is (F)in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates (G)day and (H)night.
3He will be like (I)a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, (J)he prospers.
15“I will also plant them on their land,
And (A)they will not again be rooted out from their land
Which I have given them,”
Says the LORD your God.
7“(A)Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD
And whose (B)trust is the LORD.
8“For he will be like a (C)tree planted by the water,
That extends its roots by a stream
And will not fear when the heat comes;
But its leaves will be green,
And it will not be anxious in a year of (D)drought
Nor cease to yield fruit.
1The (A)Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
Because the LORD has anointed me
To (B)bring good news to the (C)afflicted;
He has sent me to (D)bind up the brokenhearted,
To (E)proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners;
2To (F)proclaim the favorable year of the LORD
And the (G)day of vengeance of our God;
To (H)comfort all who mourn,
3To (I)grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The (J)oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting
So they will be called (K)oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.
4Then they will (L)rebuild the ancient ruins,
They will raise up the former devastations;
And they will repair the ruined cities,
The desolations of many generations.